Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
