her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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