Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
