i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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