We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
