Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I am naked and annoyed.
You were trust falling into bushes
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
