Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
