1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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