I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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