I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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