She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The beers last night were like the tears from god
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize