Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
