Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
