P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
