if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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