I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
