He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
