I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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