i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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