did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
being pregnant is like rehab
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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