He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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