i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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