I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
