My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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