WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
