I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize