i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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