how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
