I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
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