this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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