i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
