I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
His hands were made for my vagina.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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