Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I enjoy the company of your penis
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
