the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
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