Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
