handjob tips. give me some.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
