Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
