my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
