I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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