Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize