is your mom at the bar?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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