Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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