When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
