I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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