im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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