I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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