imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
