Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize