I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
