So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
