Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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