I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
