Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
