So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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