he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize