Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
