Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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