Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
