are you so shy because you have an std?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
as a side note pls kill me
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
