I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
