I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize