I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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