She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
