Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
