I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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