at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize