i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
