I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize