I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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