i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
