I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
