Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
